without you, i'm nothing
by Morghen
Summary: "-it's nothing like it used to be, but it's perfect in it's own right because it's him and that's all you want." Remus/Sirius. Remus' pov. Nonlinear timeline. For Sylvia and the Gift-Giving Extravaganza 2013.


**For Sylvia (glowing neon)**

**1/24**

* * *

One day, there's four of you and within the blink of an eye there's only one.

You're alone.

James and Lily, they're gone, betrayed by the same person whose hand you used to hold to fall asleep at night, as well as Peter.

And he, he's not who you knew or thought you knew, and now you wonder if he was ever that person, that person you loved.

Knees buckle and you fall, the weight of the emptiness too much, the feeling of guilt taking over you. How couldn't you have seen it? How couldn't you have known?

You're alone.

**xxx**

A smile twists across his face and yours follows in suit, your fingers weaved together along with your legs and you ask yourself why you hadn't moved in with him before now.

Sirius leans towards you and presses his lips against your forehead and the way his eyes look at you screams, "_I'M IN LOVE_" but his mouth whispers "Good night, Moony."

As you fall asleep, you try to remember a time before Sirius, but you can't.

**xxx**

You try to remember a time before you knew them, thinking that it'll hold the secrets of how to function without them (without him), but you can't. All of your memories are filled with their smiles and laughs, with James' jokes and Peter's stories. Everything before them is a mere hazy dream and nothing seems real that far back in your mind.

Nothing seems real without them.

**xxx**

Sometimes you curse yourself for being the one who has to live without them. Sometimes you wish it could've been you who had died at the hand of Voldemort or the one who died at the hand of the man you love[d]. Sometimes you wish it was you who is doomed to wasting his days away in the cold, stone prison.

Because you know that all of them could function as the last Marauder, but you can't. You may have been the smart one, but you were never the strong one and the grief cripples you.

Dreams of becoming an Auror leave you like warmth in the winter. The Order no longer needs you because Voldemort is gone and the world does not want you because you're plagued by the Moon.

Sometimes you wonder why you stay, but the answer is there, always in the back of your mind.

(You can't bring yourself to leave the place that holds all their memories.)

**xxx**

The last time you see James and Lily is the morning before that fateful night.

You only stop in for a moment because you have things to do and places to be and who would've known it was to be the last time.

(If you had only known, you would've never left.)

You muss up Harry's hair and kiss Lily on the cheek. James tells you to take care of Sirius and then, like that, you're gone.

They're gone.

**xxx**

He's back.

He's back and it all makes sense now; it was never him, he had never betrayed his friends (he had never betrayed you).

You just want to embrace him and never let him get away from you again; you just want to tell him all the ways you love him to make up for the thirteen-year void during which neither of you heard those words.

You're no longer alone.

**xxx**

"You'll be the most successful, out of all of us," he reassures you one summer night. His arm is draped over your shoulder, a sense of security washing over your being, and nothing matters to you except him in this moment. "They're fucking blind to turn you away."

You lean into his touch; the heat of summer will never keep you away from his warmth. Another job application, another rejection because everyone knows nowadays about your affliction, and another blow to the hope that has been dwindling away rapidly recently. The darkness of the raging war and everything is taking a toll on you and you just don't know what you would do without him.

He squeezes your shoulder sweetly and, from the corner of your eye, you can see that playful grin making its way onto his face. He presses his lips against the top of your head and asks, "Would a quick shag make it all better?"

You elbow him but can't help but smile.

**xxx**

You would be embarrassed to see him again, if it weren't for your happiness.

All the hopes, all the dreams you had once whispered to him during early mornings and late nights became things you never reached. No success ever came your way and now you are without even your teaching post; the Moon always seems to catch up to you whenever you're close to happiness.

You are not the Remus he once knew, but, in all fairness, he's not the Sirius you once knew, either.

His haughty looks are but a ghost of his past; the prison has worn him as the salty sea wears away the sand that it kisses. His once collected manner is now exchanged for a one less trusting, more aware of the evil that is human.

You feel almost ashamed for ever doubting him, for ever believing that he could have been responsible for the deaths of friends whose lives he valued more than his own. But then, not long after he returns to the house he's always hated, he makes everything better in a way only he could.

He smiles that smile, one of the few things about him that hasn't changed. "I thought it was you, at first."

His words hang heavily in the room and you turn your gaze to him to find that he's already looking at you. You nod your head, understanding the reasons behind his doubt in you without him having to say them. "I'm sorry for ever thinking it was you."

The thick air is cleared suddenly with these sentences, forgiveness silent, but you're sure he can feel it just as you can. You know that doesn't mean that things are the same, that you can magically pick up from where you left off. It just doesn't work that way.

But your love for him is still as strong as it was on the eve of All Hallow's Eve.

**xxx**

You lie under the gleaming stars and the Moon which you fear with friends that you never believed you would have. The grass tickles your cheek and Sirius sneaks his hand over yours, the darkness of the night hiding the gesture from the other Marauders, the two of you still not ready to tell them.

Everything is perfect.

You arrived at Hogwarts with no one and tomorrow, after seven years, you will be leaving it with three of the best friends for whom you could have ever asked. Fate may not have been kind to you at a young age, but She made up for it, blessing you with the chaos known as the Marauders and, quite honestly, you wouldn't want it any other way.

**xxx**

"I'll never take you for granted again," you whisper, pressing your lips against his own. Worn bones tangled on a worn bed in the room of his childhood and it's nothing as it used to be, but it's perfect in it's own right because it's him and that's all you want.

He runs his fingers over your cheek, grazing over the slight stubble on your jawline, and his touch is warm in a way for which you've longed these past years. He smiles sadly, but it passes, it always passes. "I love you."

You never thought you would hear those words in that voice again and it all seems surreal. If his arms weren't wrapped tightly around you, you would've believed yourself to be dreaming. But you're not; Sirius is here and he loves you.

"And I love you" slips so easily from your mouth in response.

**xxx**

The first time he tells you he loves you is not something you'll ever forget.

You go to James' house the moment you're notified Sirius has run away from his own. When you get there, you feel your heart constrict and drop to the floor, but not because he looks like a mess or is crying or anything. It's because he seems numb, no smile plays on his lips, no jest is in his eyes, and he doesn't even say anything to you but instead nods in acknowledgement of your arrival. You think to yourself it would be easier to see him cry than to see him like this.

You sit beside him, not too close but close enough, on the large bed in the guestroom of James' parents' house. James leaves for his own room, not having slept a wink because he was up with Sirius the whole night. When he's gone, silence hangs over the two of you and you wish you were better with words, you wish you knew the words that would make everything better. But you don't so you ask, "What can I do, Pads?"

You look at him and watch him crumble before your eyes. The numbness leaves and his bottom lip starts to quiver; he scrunches his eyes closed, but tears escape them anyway. You hesitate but lean forward, taking him in your arms and he melts into your touch, his head resting in the crook of your neck, his hand clutching onto your shirt. You're not sure how long you stay like that, but neither of you speak during the time; the comfort of each other's presence is more than anything your fumbling words could do.

"I love you," he whispers into the tear-stained skin of your neck and you tighten your embrace.

He falls asleep in your arms and only then do you carefully lower him back onto the bed. You wipe the tears from his cheeks and tuck him under the blanket before leaving him there to rest in his dreams.

**xxx**

You lose him all over again.

He goes with a smile on his face and you can't get the image out of your head. When you think of Sirius, you think of that smile, you think of that flash of light hitting him in the chest, you think of the inky fabric of the veil sweeping him in. You don't think of the laughs you shared or the times he held you tightly and swore he would never leave you, you don't think of the breakfasts you had for dinners or the alcohol he would drink in the morning, you don't think of the nights he spent in your bed during your seventh year or how James learned about the pair of you by arriving at your flat unannounced.

When you think of Sirius, you think of death.

**xxx**

When you think of Sirius, you think of his shaggy dark hair and steel grey eyes, you think of the funny way he says his Ws and how he's always late, you think of the feel of his lips on yours and the steady beat of his heart.

Ever since you met him, back when you were young with knobby bruised knees and a much more innocent mind, you've always thought of him as invincible. He would be that prince in those tattered fairytale books in your parents' library who rescued the damsels in distress; he would be that knight riding gallantly to sure death if it meant saving the lives of those he loved and he would survive, despite all the odds being against him.

As reckless as he is, it's true to say that Sirius isn't the dying sort.

**xxx**

He sits beside you on one of the uncomfortable beds in the Hospital Wing, his legs covered by the blanket that's over you, his arms crossed across his chest. You groggily look up and see he's fast asleep, which is understandable since he's been awake with you all night. Sometimes James stays and sometimes Peter does, Sirius but spends his nights in this room once a month no matter what. A smile spreads across your lips when you remember waking up to all of them sleeping on the bed with you after someone had cast an expanding charm on it.

Your whole body aches as it does after every full moon; the transformation from man to wolf and back is not a pleasant one and the destruction you cause to yourself is no nicer. You can sense new gashes where scars will soon form and you wonder if you'll eventually run out of unblemished skin to ruin someday.

"G'morning," he says, looking down at you with tired eyes but a true smile. He stretches with a loud yawn and moves out from your bed. He knows the routine so well and, though Madam Pomfrey despises when he does it, he goes to get the ointment for your cuts which is stored in the same place as always. He returns, still looking visibly sleepy, with a basin of water and clean cloths.

"You don't have to, Pads," you protest, knowing he could use this time for some sleep in his own bed before he has to go to class. "It's fine, really, I'll just do it."

Sirius shakes his head and pulls down the covers, exposing your body to the air of the castle which always seems frigid after your transformation. You're clad in only a pair of shorts, leaving the gashes on yours legs and chest exposed. He dips the cloth into the water and sits beside you on the bed. His hand cups one cheek, while the other wipes away the dried blood on your chin carefully. You like when he does this better, his touch much more gentle than Pomfrey's tends to be.

You lie silently while he cleans you up, the warm cloth soothing on your sore body, and you know you would fall asleep from the relaxation of it, if it wasn't for the fact that he's Sirius and you wish conscientiously to feel every second of his touch. You've always been embarrassed of your scars, shying away from any exposure of your skin, so you find comfort in the way that he's not disgusted by your imperfections, in the way he accepts you for who (or what) you are.

When he's done, he leans down, the palms of his hands pressed against your bed sheets, supporting him as he presses his lips against your forehead. "Feel any better now?"

You nod, but you know he knows that you're still in much pain. "Thanks," you say, wishing you had the strength to sit up and capture those beautiful lips. "I really appreciate it, you know?"

"I know."

He lingers around your bedside a bit longer, making you laugh so hard that your bruised ribs are begging for him to leave, until he decides if he waits any longer, he'll be inexcusably late for class.

You watch him go but do not feel alone, knowing well that he'll be back with you before the day is done.

**xxx**

You are alone.

The last Marauder (because Peter's gone this time, too). Suddenly you wonder if this is how it was always supposed to be; you were the Moon, while they took on the forms of transitory animals. The Moon doesn't die.

You wish you would die.

You shift into a ghost's world, filling your hours with memories of them, all of them, before the betrayal, and you don't feel so alone. You can almost hear the ringing of their voices, you can almost feel the softness of their touches, you can almost believe they are still very present in this hell called Earth.

But, when the night comes, reality comes with it and you know:

You are alone

**xxx**

The first time he kisses you is on the Hogwarts Express.

James is still at the front of the train receiving instructions for his Head Boy duties and you're sure he's not comprehending anything because Lily's there and she occupies his whole mind. Peter's off with some girl to whom he finally got the nerve to talk.

So that just leaves you and Sirius.

There's one last Chocolate Frog wrapped on the seat between the two of you. He knows your love for such sweets and he looks at you, daringly. Your eyes lock for a second and then both of your hands fly for the frog. Your hand covers it and you bring it up to your chest, hoping that that declares you the winner, but it doesn't. He tackles you playfully, grabbing at your fingers and pushing you down so you lie on the seat on your back. Your laughs fill the compartment and he straddles your waist, trying to take the chocolate away from you, and then you look at him and he looks at you and the frog sort of just leaves both of your minds. You gulp, the feelings you felt since fifth year come raging in full force, and you don't move, but you don't have to.

Sirius slowly leans down, giving you time to push him away but you don't, and you feel his lips against yours.

His lips taste like chocolate, only sweeter.

**xxx**

The last time he kisses you is in the Ministry.

While the others go into their planned places to assist Harry and his fellows with the mess in which they've gotten, he pulls you aside. His wand's in his hand, but he cups both of your cheeks and presses a kiss against your lips. It's brief and chaste and you don't realize then how much you'll soon cherish it.

"Be careful," you tell him, covering his hand with yours because just his touch gives you a type of reassurance that you need before a battle.

"I will," he says, smiling at you, but it's reckless and you know he'll never be careful.

xxx

"Be careful," she tells you before pressing a kiss against your lips.

"I will," you say.

And you go your separate ways.

**xxx**

You see it before it happens, but not quickly enough to counter the curse (but then again, did you really want to?).

Memories flash before your eyes, your whole life then and now, and you feel helplessly happy but desperately sad at the same time and you're not sure how that's possible.

Teddy will grow up without a father.

But you'll be reunited with your Marauders, with your love.

Green is all you see.

**xxx**

He embraces you as he did in the Shrieking Shack nearly four years ago and you feel whole again.

This is where you belong.

**xxx**

* * *

**This is for Sylvia! I hope you enjoy it.  
**

**The title belongs to a Placebo song of the same name.  
**

**Did anyone catch the Closer reference? Or, maybe, it would be better known as a reference to Fall Out Boy? Eh?  
**

**Thanks, mew, for betaing!  
**


End file.
